Where i’m at 5 years on !

Its been so long since I have had the time to sit down to write a proper post for Breast Friends being honest I have really missed writing about my experiences as it’s how you all get to know what I am about.

It is now 5 years since I finished Radiation when the intense treatment side of my Breast Cancer Journey came to an end.  5 years ago I didn’t walk out of the hospital on the high I expected to have when my treatment was over.  Every emotion I imagined myself to feel came at a different time than I expected.  When my treatment ended I felt weird not having to go to the hospital daily, as much as I fear and hated hospitals it was like my security blanket had been taken away from me.   I was so happy to have my health back but  I once remember having a conversation early on with a friend and declaring to her that once my treatment was over and I was well I wouldn’t spend anytime worry about reoccurance, I was so naieve I would love to say this was true but its a little shadow over my shoulder always in the background and sometimes when my anxiety levels go through the roof its not like a shadow its like a big giant hovering over me.   I cope by bringing myself into the present situation, and breaking down what i’m worrying about and what is actually happening, life is never as bad as what i worry about.

I  wouldn’t be being truthful to you if I didn’t touch on anxiety and fear.  To be honest i will often get anxious and tell Tom i feel like something bad is going to happen.  When things are going particularly well for me i get a guilty anxious feeling where i can slip into the mindset of being fearful something awful will happen.  I don’t think i have met one person who has been on a similar journey who is consumed with fear and anxiety from time to time.  Over time it improves but never goes away, its like a little devil perched on your shoulder.     If i get aches and pains i am the first one up to the GP freaking out, but i’m not going to give myself a hard time about all of that I can’t help it.

Every aspect of my life has changed since I was sick,  well I have moved house, changed my car, my beloved dog  Luke Kelly died, my son is 11 now he is no longer the little 5 year old I feared I wouldn’t see grow, I have changed jobs and career, I now am an Elected Councillor representing my beloved community in Tallaght.   I have lost friends along the way, learned who the true ones are and gained some very special new people.  It’s crazy for me when I look back, I don’t often think about how things have changed but I am grateful for where I’m at right now, its a good place to be.

I guess reflecting back over life my cancer gave me a major wake up call, it took away my attitude of taking the small things for granted and my feeling that i was invincible.  But what it gave me in return was guts, when i want something i go for it, when an opportunity presents itself to me i take it.  I very rarely say no and life has become an exciting adventure.  I appreciate everyday and really enjoy the small things that before i would have taken for granted.  So as much as i hate that i ever got sick i am grateful that it changed my perspective.

So if you have been newly diagnosed or are in the middle of treatment, I know it feels like the road ahead is endless, but all you need to do is take each day as it comes to you, overcome each challenge as it arises and be assured you will look back and be surprised at how quickly the bad times pass.